12/3/2006

So this is my first post. Today I would like to talk about cars and their drivers. I live in the northeast of the United States and I commute along a 30 mile stretch of 84. During my day I encounter a wide variety of cars and drivers. Here are a few

1. The VIP: There are several different ways to spot the VIP, the most important is that they will try to overtake you in any lane no matter the cost. Generally speaking they are in their late 30s to mid 40s, white, and driving either a European coupe or SUV (stupid ugly vehicle).

2. The Switchboard: Generally a white female, late 20s to early 50s almost always a SUV Chevy suburban seems to be a favorite. They will weave in and out of their lane driving by braille while completely engaged in conversation. Bonus points if they are also drinking a Starbucks half-caf, soy, sugar free, grande, whatever.

3. The Andretti: Distinctive from the Soyboy (mentioned later). The Andretti is driving a Corvette, Porsche, Audi S or RS anything, Infinity coupe. A male in their mid 30s to late 50s, this driver appears to have a modicum of skill behind the wheel without a single inkling of concern for the comfort of their fellow motorists. Crossing two lanes of traffic to pull ahead of a mysterious and often nonexistent rival car by a car length or two they will cut you off at a moments notice. Although I have not tested all these different cars I do believe that some of the manufacturers no longer equip their vehicles with turn signal stalks.

4. The Soyboy: A male in their late teens through late 20s, although lately the trend seems to bee carrying over into older males and even females. Vehicles to watch out for: too numerous to name individually but any coupe or sedan priced less than 25,000$ Over sized rims, large spoilers set at 0 angle, unpainted body kits, coffee can sized exhaust outlets, and the sound of an angry lawnmower can sometimes be heard over subwoofers the size of serving platters. These drivers roll slowly through mall parking lots with their stereos blasting completely unconcerned that the stream of profanities flowing out of their cars is heard by everyone. Frankly I am completely against censorship in any form, but come on its 9:30 in the morning so you really need to listen to that crap with you volume turned to 11 while I am just trying to have a smoke and a coffee.

5. The Geriacer: This is exclusive to late model Lexus SC series vehicles. The car is so boring the only people who buy it are in their late 50s and up. The Hyundai Tiburon beat it in a comparison on top gear (find it on googletube). The vehicle is often seen in the passing lane doing 62 MPH. Here is a tip for current and prospective buyers: BUY A REAL SPORTS CAR, or buy a Chrysler seabring convertible. There is nothing about this car that can't be done better then almost any other car in its price range.

6. Oldschooler: Male, late teens to infinity. Ford mustang, Chevy Camaro, Pontiac Firebird, Dodge Charger, etc. Dear god wide open exhaust, huge tires in the back and a penchant for thinking every stop light is a Drag tree. Guess what? It isn't, and nobody cares how load you car is. FYI the hot chicks in the car next to you are laughing about how hard you have to compensate.

Well that's all I have for right now, any you would like to see added? post it in the comments section.